Be the parent you thought you’d be!
You’ve arrived. You have your family, maybe a job outside of your family, hopefully a home that feels cozy and welcoming. You should feel like you’ve hit the jackpot, but somehow, you still feel untethered. Maybe one of your kids is anxious, maybe another is struggling in school. Maybe you are tired of the screaming and fighting it takes to get your kid to the soccer practice for the team he INSISTED he HAD to be on (is that too much self-disclosure??)!
Parenting is unrelenting. You have moments of joy, amidst days of grind and occasional (hopefully occasional??) conflict and tension. You want to be the parent you thought you’d be, but something is getting in the way. How can you get yourself back on track, and get your ideal and actual selves more in line?
Secure your own mask first before assisting others:
One of my favorite mentors from years ago told me that the first thing to do when a parent brings an anxious child to therapy is to recommend that the parent find a therapist first. Parents’ reactions provide the seeds for children’s emotional development. Specifically, kids learn through social referencing with caregivers. Imagine you see your toddler fall on the concrete in front of you. They fall down on their hands and knees, and turn around to look at you—for your reaction. Do you say:
a) “Oh no! Looks like you fell boom boom! Come to mommy and let her make it better.”
b) “You’re fine. Get up, we have to keep moving.”
c) “Oh my! Looks like you’ve fallen! Did that hurt?”
I think I’ve probably done all three, but I digress…My point is…your child is looking for your response and it’s best if you can strike a balance between over-identifying with, and negating their experience. By emoting too much, your child breathes in your panic and it starts to feel familiar to them. By ignoring or negating their experience, your child is unable to understand their emotional response and is unsure how they should respond to a stumble. By naming what happened to them, asking about their reaction, possibly identifying how you think they feel based on how they are responding, you’re giving your child a roadmap for understanding and responding to their emotional experiences. This really isn’t rocket science, most of you probably do this anyway! But sometimes our own sh*t gets in the way of understanding and responding to our child’s emotional needs. It’s so important to notice when that happens so you can get your own help. To be honest, the money you spend on your own therapy likely has a downstream effect even more powerful than how it affects you personally. That is money well spent!
Unpack your baggage
Everyone comes into a family with baggage. Your mother didn’t cook, or she was a gourmet cook, or she had an eating disorder, or all of the above. Your father was absent, or unemployed, or overly doting, or none of the above. Your emotional needs were met sometimes, and neglected others. You learned to fight, or that fighting signals the absolute end of the world. What you bring to your current family is just a continuation of how you grew to understand family. Even if you have intentionally parented completely differently from how you were parented, some shadows from those early experiences are likely seeping in. Frankly, I think every parent should have to go through psychotherapy in their early years as a parent. And then again in adolescence. And then again as they launch. Well, maybe just keep that therapist on speed dial. Having set aside safe space to explore what you unconsciously or consciously bring to parenting is invaluable. Some therapists focus a lot on parent coaching, which can also be helpful, but be sure to take the time to understand the origin of your innate reactions. It’s really hard to put behavioral changes into place when they feel foreign and you have no organic framework from which to implement them.
Make sure you’re not traveling solo
I’ve lived in a handful of places and I’ve learned that I’m the happiest and the best parent when I have a team of supportive parents around me. Being a working parent, I need people I can call to pick up my kid unexpectedly. I need friends who know that I adore my kids more than anything, but don’t think I’m horrible when I complain about how annoying they are. I need people in my life who love kids who are quirky but trying to be their best selves. These are the people I want on my parenting trip, and they make it possible to weather the turbulence.
Hillary Clinton was on-point when she said “it takes a village”. And yet, here we are, in what can feel like parenting in silos. It’s absolutely crucial that you find people who can join you in your parenting. If you’re new in town, go to every event you can where children are welcome. Go to the PTO meetings (yes, they can be awful, but in my experience there is always a like-minded person there). Go to the soccer practices and find the mom who is juggling two younger children while she waits for her older to finish his sprints so they can go home and make dinner. Volunteer in Sunday School so you can meet the dad who lives for Godly Play and finds your child absolutely delightful while he runs around the room during “feast”. Look for opportunities to put your positivity and gifts to use in the service of others; volunteer in the classroom, take some kids on a socially-distanced hike, organize a sing along on Zoom. By giving in advance, you’ll get so much back, and that will gas up your tank to keep giving to your own kids.
Be content with being good enough
Winnicott’s concept of the “good enough mother” is what keeps me moving forward without too much regret. British pediatrician Donald Winnicott used the phrase in 1953 to highlight ways in which failures on the part of the mother are essential to a child’s development of resilience and tolerance of parental absence. As an infant, you likely responded to your child’s cries, knowing when they were hungry, tired, or just needed comfort. You may have had to let your child cry in an attempt to get them to sleep through the night. You were thoughtful and intentional about how you responded to your child, and even though you made some missteps, your kid is pretty much okay. As our children age, their needs may appear more complex. Inevitably, you will fail your child. You minimize their upset about not getting on a team they tried out for. You push your child a bit too hard to do musical theater, because you did it and wow, they are so much more talented than you were! You wonder whether your child just won’t play the piano anymore because you, somehow, spoiled it for them.
Phooey. You’re doing the best you can. In your parental stumbles, you’re teaching your child how to manage differing opinions. Acknowledge, apologize, move on. It’s time to look at some of those missteps with forgiveness, but also with an eye to making change. Who is the parent you want to be? What are you willing to risk to become that person?
